i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
