Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
