I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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