So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
