new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
