I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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