i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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