The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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