Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize