I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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