Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Panties = found
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
