I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
