I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
