I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
