apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
