Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
