I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
