I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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