my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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