Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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