Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
