On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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