well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
