So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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