Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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