his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
