Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
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Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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