Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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