At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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