I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?