Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.