I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care