I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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