Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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