she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
