your parents love me but you hate me
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me