If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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