I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
