i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
