My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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