Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
