yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
