When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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