I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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