from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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