meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
