I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
In America we eat man semen.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
