I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
