I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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