Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize