did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
