Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
cat food counts as protein by the way
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
