Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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