i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
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Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
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I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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