And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
