worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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