I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
